05.18.2010
Today could have been the happiest day of my life. God thought otherwise. Today was the day I could have become a mother. God had other plans.
So much has happened, changed really, in me over the past 9 months. From the most unbelievable excitement to seeing the "yes" on the test, to the overwhelming physical pain and emotional sadness that is to lose your "baby". All of that seems so small now in comparison to the complete change of mind that God has instilled in me about what it means to be a parent. Though He has healed me, it will never be erased.
I've been waiting for this day to come. In the beginning, it was for obvious reasons. Right after the loss, it was angrily anticipating the day that God took from me. Slowly, I started seeing glimpses of Him in the whole situation, pursuing my heart and my thoughts on what this really was about. Just a few short weeks ago, my anticipation turned to gratefulness and praise.
God is good. He always has been, always will be. That does not mean that by following Him, your life will always be "good". On the surface, many things are so bad. Horrible even. But God (who is good) can show love and goodness in the midst of the darkness. He has shown me. And I am thankful and grateful that I know Him and He knows me. And on this day, May 18, 2010, that will forever hold a bittersweet place in my heart, I will sing praises to Him. I trust and have faith that God has a plan for me. In the aspect of becoming a mother, I can only hope and pray that someday that would be part of that plan. I will not stop hoping, but I will also not stop loving and praising my God.
"Let my cry come right into Your presence, God; provide me with the insight that comes only from Your Word. Give my request Your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of Your promise. Let praise cascade off my lips; after all, You've taught me the truth about life! And let Your promises ring from my tongue; every order You've given is right." - Psalm 119:169-172 The Message
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